I can see their faces above the water, laughing and smiling.

Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you see me?

It all begins to fade as I fall deeper into the abyss of my mind. Black, white, gray. Have I noticed any colors recently? They don’t look the same anymore.

I’m struggling to breathe. The thing about mental health is you’re so aware and it scares you even more because you can’t understand why your mind is betraying you. You want to stop, oh god, you beg for it just to fucking stop for a minute, but it doesn’t.

And you watch yourself destroy everything from the inside, but no one ever asks if you’re okay.

I’ve created a mask. One that protects me from the fact that I’m fighting myself every day. My mask provides me with the sense of security for a brief moment.

I can sense when my mask is falling. The colors start fading and I begin to see the gray again. My mind begins to spiral further

D

O

W

N.

After spending so much time in the darkness, I begin to find my way back. Regardless of how much time it takes me, I make it. I work hard every day to prevent myself from falling back, but I lose my balance and we go back.

Once I feel okay, I began to trust myself again. Letting my body ride the waves and just trust that it won’t take me down again and allow me to drown.

I start therapy next week and it will be the first time I’ve officially broke and said, enough is enough. Let’s make the change.

-k.