Life is slowly moving forward, but I’m still feeling like I’m spinning in circles, over and over again.

I go through my days laughing, smiling, sometimes crying and the sharp pain in my chest returns when I’m reminded that you’re not a phone call away anymore. I can’t come see you.

I miss the way you used to pick at your thumbs when you would lean against a wall and talk to us. The sound of your rough laugh over the phone when I’d say something crazy.

Out of all the people, you were the one who understood me and my wild side best. You influenced it, even if you didn’t want to admit to that. You always tried to add in a little, “hey now,” or a “Kendra Monique,” to balance out the fact that you were smiling when you would tell me to calm down. You knew that no matter what, I was still going to be that wild girl that you raised. You really did enjoy the fact that I pushed back if I was shoved. Don’t back down kind of thing.

You believed I could do everything. Whenever I doubted myself, you’d remind me that I was your daughter and that was reason enough to do what I wanted to do and I could do it all because of you. I’m not afraid to do the things I want because of you. You put so much into making sure that whenever you weren’t there, I would still think and believe I could make it happen.

There was a time that I didn’t want to do anything because you weren’t here to see me do it. But knowing you, you would be raising hell because I’m not doing those things. I’m doing everything that I always scared to do. I’m dipping my toes into all the things that set fire to my mind and allows me to open up and be the person that I want to be.

I remember there was a time when you had told me to do everything because life is too short to be upset about the things that you couldn’t try and couldn’t do with your life.

Every day now I think about the words that you would say to me.

I think about how you would tell me to go after the damn thing.

You would tell me how proud of me that you are.

Every day now is all about the things I’d be doing to see you smile.

-K.