Falling Apart.

There are days where I question everything I do. Did I say something wrong? Did I act like a bitch? Am I wrong for not understanding something?

It’s sometimes a daily thought process I go through, but it’s been months since I have. I had worked so hard to build up a mental wall that helped me stop all the negative trying to climb up those walls. I had done the self-work, the shadow work. I had gone through t the uncomfortable conversations and dealt with them, but it seems like with each passing day the wall slowly started to grow weak and crumble underneath me.

Yesterday was one of the worst mental days I have had in a long, long time. I think alcohol is a factor to it, but I never connected the two until now because I don’t get drunk. I don’t allow myself to fall under that and get drunk. But it leaves a lingering effect on me.

Slowly..

I’m falling back apart. I might have slipped and stopped the living in the moments. Allowed myself to speak negatively about myself. Started to care about others more than myself.

Today it stops again.

Back to square one of the growing process. The self-loving, being self-aware and understanding these new thoughts. I made a promise to myself to continue growing through the uncomfortable parts. Allow myself to cry, to feel, to get hurt and begin all over again because that’s what we do as humans.

I don’t want to let myself fall into this pit, climb half-way and fall back down again. I want to feel good with the people I surround myself with and enjoy these moments because it’s what I have.

I’m falling apart, I won’t lie.

But I’ll be up again.

-K.