I am the hard-headed attitude that he gave me. I am the lessons that he taught me from as early as I can remember. I am the little girl who loved the smell of gas each time we pulled into a Turkey Hill, or the sound of the cars rumbling when we started driving closer to the track.

I am the girl who inhabited your music taste and who enjoyed sitting in silence just listening to them, trying to understand you in a better way. I am the girl who wants to go fast. I am the girl who isn’t afraid of storms anymore because you said it was just the angels bowling with God.

Our relationship was not always easy, and I’ve apologized for it before, but I wish I could tell you I’m sorry once more for it. It weighs heavy on my heart, and I wish I could’ve done better during that time. I can still remember the shaking of both of our voices as we left everything out. As we talked about it and decided to try better and harder after that day. You are the reason I try so hard for all of my relationships. I have watched you in so many different aspects of your life. I have watched you take care of others since I was little. For a long time of my life, I was convinced Kimberly really was my sister because of the way you took care of her. I was convinced that you would take in every person I brought home.

Wanna know why?

Because I only ever brought them home because of you. You were my safe space. My comfort zone, my protector, my whole heart.

So many people from my childhood have messaged me telling me how great of a man you were, and it helps me because they were able to see the kind of man you were, even if it was a small part of what we saw growing up.

They say to be the kind of person you would want your child to be proud of. I wish, as an adult, I was able to tell you how proud of you I was. I hold my head so much higher because of you. You were always a good person, but the older I got, it seemed you just continued to keep growing and becoming better and better. To know you was to love you.

I talk about you all the time, even before this. I talked about you. I am broken knowing that as I got older, I neglected that, but some part of me knows that you knew that. You knew deep down that you are my entire world, 5 or 23.

There was that time that Emily was over and her and I were watching a rabbit kick away a baby. We made you run outside to get it for us so we could nurture it and love it. You poured so much of you into us. Everything you gave us, we poured into those around us. Mikayla, Adrian and I are the people we are today because of you.

You loved the song Second Chance by Shinedown when I was little. For the past week, I have been blaring our songs in my car. Windows down, hand out the window, wind in my hair. Letting my voice scream out the lyrics because I know you’re singing it with me.

Today is the day that puts this into reality for me and it’s not just some fever dream or nightmare that will go away the next morning.

I am my father’s daughter and that alone brings me comfort.