It’s a funny thing, isn’t it?

When life throws curveballs at you left and right and you completely fall apart and come back a whole new person, right?

Before my dad went into the hospital, I was working out literally every day. I felt like I was thriving because I was tearing down every negative trait I had. I was working through my inner being and changing myself for the better.

Then he went into the hospital, and everything paused for me. I was focused on him and our family. What were we supposed to do without our glue? Everything from before had simply disappeared into the box inside my mind and stayed locked inside until I decided to open it up again.

It’s like I locked the chain and threw away the key because I just really didn’t want to open that up again, but grief makes you stop and for whatever reason, you’re tearing down everything about yourself and clearing the plate. You completely stop and think about yourself as a person, and you just want to start over.

And starting over is never a bad thing.

It’s like losing the one person who knew you like the back of your hand made you stop and wipe that slate clean and you’re well on your way to being that better person.

Not that you were ever a bad person, but sometimes loosing someone that important makes you want to change and be 10x better for the people that you still have in your life.

I was always concerned with what people thought of me, how they perceived me and if they liked me at all and my dad knew that. I talked to him almost all the time about my mental health and all the small changes I was making to better it. He was always making me aware that I could talk to him when I was having a bad mental health day. He’s seen me at my absolute lowest, he knew what the road was like. He understood the bumps that it came with, and he didn’t want me taking that path, so he always helped best in the way that he knew how.

The clarity that I’ve seen in the last few weeks is crazy to me because I’m not the only one who can see it. You’re changing not just in your eyes, but everyone else’s as well. People can see that you stand a little taller, hold your head a little higher and your words are a lot stronger.

I compare it to one of those rainy summer days, where it rains or storms for a few minutes, but then you can physically see the clouds opening up, a clear blue sky peeking behind and a faded rainbow across the sky. I look for that sign each time, because I know he’s watching me and he’s smiling knowing that I’m pushing through my barriers and breaking down the walls to become that person.

My dad always said, “if it’s not making you happy, then why are you even doing it?”

and you know what? He was right. I’m chasing the same adrenaline and rush that he felt each time he’d make a pass at the racetrack. I’m stubborn, hard-headed, dedicated and persistent with myself. If it’s not setting my soul on fire now, forget about it.

I’m the chaser and I’ll chase after everything that sets my soul on fire.

It’s not the “The grass is only greener where you water it,” thing.

It’s more of a,

“Go after the damn thing.”

And that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.

-K.