I’ve been lying

To everyone who asks me how I’m doing.

But specifically, to myself.

I’ve been lying about it and honestly it was just so I didn’t have to tell people, “Hey, no. I’m not okay and I need help.”

I want to scream until my voice is gone and my throat is raw. I want the world to know how angry I am at it for taking him away. I feel it in my bones and I can’t shake the feeling anymore. Nothing has felt right and I’m simply just a ghost passing through each day, wondering when it;’ll feel normal again. And I’ve still ignored the thought that it never will.

I’m angry that no one sees me falling apart at the seams, the way that you did. If I said, “hi,” in a different tone, you knew right away and I didn’t have to say anything at all.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Everyone’s world keeps spinning and it seems like mine is stuck. Time moves forward and people move on, but I can’t. I want to talk about you all the time. I want to make you feel like you are still here and still a phone call away.

I am a little girl grieiving over the father that she wish she had back then.

I am a teenager grieving over the father that she knew loved her, but was too angry to see that.

I am an adult grieving over the relationship that we could’ve had.

I am grieving over every moment from here on out that I’ll never be able to share with you.

We’ll never get to dance to “My little Girl,” at my wedding. We would’ve laughed about the fact that I used to cry to this song when it came on the radio because even then I knew it was our song.

You’ll never get to meet your grandkids, that will more than likely be an image of you. My little firecrackers, you would call them. The ones who would run me up a wall and you’d laugh and say, “See what I had to go through?”

I am grieving over missed “Do you feel old yet,” and “Happy turkey day,” texts.

I am grieving over the small moments I would spend watching you on your phone or seeing you in the garage when I would walk up the driveway.

I am grieving every moment I’ll never have with you again and it’s killing me in the slowest form of pain I’ve ever felt.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” - c.s lewis

I believed I was being selfish for being angry at the world, but I was just lying.

I hate to admit that you were always right. Life is too short, and you never know when someone is going to leave it.

-K.