I have become overwhelmed with the thoughts that enter my mind from the time I lay my head at night to the moment I wake up. It seems that sleeping is the only thing that stops anything, but even just for a moment.

My sleep schedule is nonexsistent. I lost count of how many times I wake up in the middle of the night. Lost track of the number of sheep I end up counting before drifting off back to sleep.

I am scared and I will admit it. I’ve been told that the world would be a better place without me and honestly, it’s the only thing that stays buried into the deepest part of my mind.

Would it?

Or am I just not allowing myself to look into a better future because I’m too busy stuck in the past? Something that I have been working hard at not doing.

I can’t forigve myself if I’m stuck in the past. I can’t learn and move forward and forgive myself if I keep myself trapped in that time.

And I won’t allow mself to stay there becaue what good does it do to constantly feel that anger and rage? What good does it do to ongoingly feel angry at the world?

It does nothing. You grow to hate everything and everyone. You grow to hate yourself.

Which I did.

It’s a weird thing really. You want to feel that rage, anger, sadness because it’s the only thing you constantly feel.

Just because you were raised in a burning house doesn’t mean you need to stay in a burning house.

I don’t want to be someone who is constantly walking on eggshells. I don’t want to be someone who is constantly being attacked for speaking my truth, even if it isn’t what someone else wants to hear.

I have done wrong. I have hurt because was hurt. I have lived on autopilot because I was scared of the burning door and the engulfed flames. My past does not allow me to do the same to others as what was done to me.

There are mistakes that I have made that will take years for me to break down and understand and I’ll do that because I do not want to live as that person.

I do not want to be that person.

I want to be someone who is able to live in a home without the burning flames trapping from my future.

-K.