One year.

Time hasn’t felt real since this time last year.

Every good thing that happens, I want to run to tell you only to find that the space is empty and you’re not here to listen to my thoughts.

Every bad thing that happens, I still want to run to tell you. You were capable of being the one person to calm me down in my moments of panic and remind me that all would work itself out. That I didn’t need to panic over such things.

I find that I have to remind myself time to time that you’re physically not here anymore. Some days it’s easier and other days, I want to continue to scream at the world for taking you from me.

How am I supposed to just learn to leave in a world that doesn’t include you? How am I supposed to learn to be okay with knowing that you’ll never be able to squeeze my head or be able to do that same thing to my kids?

The stories I tell them won’t even make up a fraction of the love or the energy that you have left and will forever leave with people.

One year and the hurt continues to come as if it’s just a day that gets replayed over and over again. To feel everything that was felt that day.

I hate that I can’t call you. Hate that I can’t send a text and have you respond with, “Sorry baby, was riding.” or “Sorry baby, was at bible study” on your Thursday night.

I hate that you’re not here.

I dream about you quite often. I see you in a lot of my daily life and I am forever grateful for the little signs you show me. It’s as simple as the songs that show up in my random playlists or the movies that I have the sudden urge to watch because I’m thinking about you.

I was told a few months ago there’s a face I make that reminds them of you and I get so happy about it. Knowing that there’s so much about you thats in me and nothing will ever take that away from me.

Our relationship was something that only we understood and I’m glad that we were able to come to a point where it was easy for us. I’ve always been too much like you and I’ll scream that I love that.. (Even if you would say, “You’re too much like me. Stop it.”)

Not a chance, old man.

One year of learning how to navigate this world without your compass.

One year of missing your voice.

One year of missing your hugs.

One year of trying to figure out how I’m supposed to do 90% of the things I would call you about.

One year of not being able to send you songs.

One year of struggling without you.

One year.

How does time move so fast but feel so unreal?

Thank you for providing me with everything that you have and continue to send to me. I’ll just blow a kiss to the sky and say the stars are all meant for you.

I love you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I miss you.

I love you, forever.

-K.