the bumpy ride.

Sometimes I think I’m a bad person. My mental health goes in and out day by day. I allow myself to fall back into bad habits and soon enough I’m spiraling down the dark hole that I can’t seem to climb out of anymore. I fight with myself constantly trying to do better for myself, but also be better for those around me. How can they love me and trust me, if I can’t even love or trust myself? How am I supposed to be the person they can look up to if I don’t even like what I see in the mirror? My dad’s death is hitting me harder than what it was when it first happened. I’m struggling to grasp how I’m supposed to handle life without him next to me. Right now, I feel as if I’m in the middle of some cloud and no one can see me, I’m just floating through life. Im struggling to provide my full self to those around me. I’m failing myself by not taking the step to stop my actions, which results in me failing them. I never realize to stop and think about those around me when I fall into the dark abyss of my mind. I forget that I’m not only a human in my world, but a person in their world as well.

But how can you forget that? My brain simply just stops. I lock myself in my own world and just ride the waves until I crash back onto land and find myself breathing again. It’s like a ghost at sea, I’m hovering over the water until I find my footing again. It’s a constant battle for myself. My brain is a roller coaster working it’s way through the highs and lows of my thoughts and feelings, but we have no brakes, no seatbelt to feel secure in how to handle the ride.

For now, we’ll keep riding. But eventually, the ride will fix itself and we’ll feel confident in the tracks.

-K.