Home.

I’ve been laying in a dark room for an hour now with headphones on. Going back and fourth deciding on what to write.
I just texted about 12 individual texts to someone about the things I hate about myself. Texted my best friend about how much of a light she is in my life.

I’ve thought about hating myself, previous relationships, writing about self-love and every little thing that goes through my mind on a night like this, but planning it out isn’t raw for me and that’s what I told myself I’d do.

For years, I struggled with seeing the beauty in myself. I was worried about the girl I went to middle school would see or the ex I actually really enjoyed being around or what my boyfriend’s friends would think about me. Social media ruined a lot for me. It made me think that everyone would sit there and at stare at my posts picking it apart, but the truth is? No one gives a fuck. I sure don’t.

during quarantine I rewatched Twilight again and it opened up an entire rabbit hole for me.

(Twi-hard for life)

At first, I believed I was going through a quarter life crisis, which I definitely could’ve been, but then I heard the term “Spiritual Awakening” and it became something more.

I found a home within myself for the first time in years.

instead of trying to look at myself through other’s eyes, I looked at myself through MY eyes and it changed what I had always seen. I began affirmations, journaling, meditation and manifesting. I went through an entire year of learning, reading, researching and just experiencing so much of this to understand myself. The trauma. The relationships I had. I noticed a significant change in myself in 6 months.

at this very moment, I just had Deja vu. I saw myself writing this, at the very moment I was just in.

-K.