Guilty.

Whenever I hear, '“Mercury Retrograde,” I freeze. I am a believer of things being written in the stars, but also you are the creator of your own reality. We just don’t realize it. We are in that season and I can feel it in my bones.

I had a friend text me this morning saying, “I am tired of having anxiety at every second because I’m worried about how everyone else feels.” which I felt that. I am constantly in my head about how I should be feeling about certain situations because I put myself in the other person’s shoes. Once their shoes are worn out, I panic and get them a new pair, but I’ve been wearing the same shoes for the past 10 years. When do I decide it’s time for me to stay in my own shoes and worry about myself? I hold back whatever I’m thinking about because I have a fear of hurting other people’s feelings and I question why because I allow them to hurt mine. So, why am I trying to protect their feelings instead of my own? I want to blame it on my parents, but at a certain point I cannot allow myself to play the victim. I am the one who is in control and I can’t allow that to stop me from doing what I want most of this.

I’m in such a brain fog this week, like nothing seems right or real and I question myself on my own questions. I don’t know if this blog is going to make sense to anyone but myself , but maybe this is all this post is. Something for myself and just getting the words out that I need to. I’m learning to trust the process and trust myself in that process. I need to learn that it’s going to be okay for me to make decisions and it’s okay if things don’t work out because honestly, that’s the beauty in it. It would open up new doors for me and opportunities, new experiences and relationships.

I want so many things for myself and I feel guilty for it. I feel guilty for thinking it’s not okay to want those things because they would never happen. When does this stop? I began to wrap my head around this and realize that I have tons of work to do for myself and I’m okay with that.

I’m guilty for not loving myself when I needed it this most. I did not understand the concept but i am not going to allow myself to be happy for the sake of someone else’s feelings.

-K.